Dear Pastor’s Wife

Courage, dear heart.

These are the words I whisper to myself on the hard days, borrowed from Aslan through the pen of C.S. Lewis.

Words I now gift you.

Thriving in the fishbowl takes courage. I have been at my pastor-husband’s side for quite some time, and God is kind and patient in teaching me. Through every suffering, he is chiseling me to the bone, taking me by the hand, showing me that treasuring Christ above all is everything.

Does it sound strange to say that I am grateful for hardships? Not in the moment of shattering per se, but later, when I can touch my wounds and trace the scars, able to absorb the ways he has swept up the shards and pieced me back together. I am changed: tender-sore, strong, new.

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Remember this: the sparks will always fly upward, this side of heaven. The wise woman learns to cup the hot embers rather than scurrying around stomping them out. That is God’s business, and we are not him. When the trials erupt–and they will–we must remain anchored in truth.

Our beloved job is not that of pastor/elder–that is our husband’s role–but to love God, help our husbands, nurture our families, serve our church, and teach younger women to do the same.

Strive to become a woman of sturdy temperament, trusting God’s hand, no matter how the wind blows. Believe God, who has said that he will keep you through each heartache and every petty nuisance. Run to Christ when a church friendship cools, or a member leaves, or gossip tiptoes like a slinking shadow throughout the body.

How precious to remember that he has promised to never leave or forsake us.

It takes patient practice to plod faithfully, working heartily to the Lord rather than man.

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I leaned in when a friend told me that her seasoned pastor’s wife had learned to become a Velvet + Steel woman.

Velvet + Steel?

Warm and soft, graciously greeting and listening to others, dispensing sound wisdom, while maintaining a backbone of steel: strong in doctrine, ramrod-straight in obedience to God’s Word, holding a zero-tolerance policy for false teaching. A Velvet + Steel woman is willing to admonish and endure the fallout, because she reveres God, not people.

Sounds like a tall order, I said, sipping coffee.

She nodded.

It is.

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No one told me about the wolves.

Listen to me: wolves travel in packs, are a vicious threat to the church, and hide in plain sight, disguised as sheep. If you are a woman walking closely with the Lord, in step with the Spirit, steeped in prayer and Scripture, trust your instincts and alert your husband when you sense danger.

(Matthew 7:15-23, Matthew 10:16, Acts 20:29)

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Dear Pastor’s Wife,

Once upon a time, I watched my husband carry his hand-built cross from the sanctuary to our truck. A cross that he had judiciously sawed and hammered now lay gently dismantled in our truck bed. How hopeful we had been! Eager to plant godly roots in that community. For many years, we prayed for the Spirit’s revival in a place steeped in rebellion.

Within a day of our departure, the words Sola Scriptura were peeled from the pulpit, crumpled, and pitched. How I wept and grieved.

As my insides howled, the Spirit comforted and roused me to worship. To pray not only for wolves to awaken and repent, but for my own heart to remain soft and forgiving, clinging to Christ through this ministry tsunami.

I thank God for delivering us from evil.

It would have been so easy to quit ministry, but God’s grace kept us then, keeps us now, and will keep us.

Amen.

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This is a wonderful verse to tuck deep inside your heart:

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58

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Dear Pastor’s Wife,

Yes, there are sorrows and hurts and wolves inside the church, but there are also kind, encouraging saints seated in the pews. Folks who are growing in grace and sanctification, just as we are, people grateful for your husband’s preaching and leadership, and eager to bless your family.

As a younger woman, I took some of these dear ones for granted; I see now how I was far too distracted by the grumblers. Many parishioners spoke kindly, praising my husband’s teaching and preaching, asking how they could pray for me, offering our children yard jobs for pocket cash, and delivering pizza to our door after a busy week.

I remember women who cooked homemade soup when we were down with the flu, gifted us hot meals for no reason other than to show love, and slipped gift cards into my hand just because.

My advice to you is to embrace and return the encouragement by writing thank-you notes, engaging others with thoughtful questions about their faith journey, praying for them, inquiring after their grandchildren, and passing along a delightful book or two.

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I pray for you now, as you minister to your husband, family, and church. As God’s servants, we are afforded a gracious opportunity to serve rather than be served. It is helpful to remember that we serve El Roi, a God who sees every joy and every hurt and will one day right every wrong.

Fling your trust upon him, rather than desired outcomes. Be faithful, obedient, and forgiving.

Courage, dear heart. Courage.

You are his.

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Galatians 6:9-10:

⁹ And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. ¹⁰ So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.