The Manipulator

Once upon a time, there was a tug on my arm, one second after the closing prayer.

Hi, said she, standing uncomfortably close, I am so happy to be sitting under your husband’s teaching.

Thank you, I said.

I know it is not easy being a pastor’s wife, but I am in your corner. You can trust me.

I hushed my instinct to bolt and said:

It’s nice to meet you, and I am glad you worshipped with us today.

I turned to gather my Bible and bag when she poked my arm, again.

I must say that I am a born teacher. In fact, I have taught women my whole adult life. Tell your husband that God has gifted me to teach.

I smiled. Oh, you will need to speak to him directly about that, I said, adding: I hope you worship with us again. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a few other folks waiting for me.

I imagined that would be the end of it, but I was wrong. The woman proved relentless, her tactics nothing short of a blitzkrieg.

Subtlety not being her strong suit, she cornered me the following Sunday, feigning momentary interest in my children, before going in for the kill: Kristin, I am destined to teach.

When that did not work, she sought my favor through gifts.

I am uncomfortable, I told my husband. I do not enjoy being manipulated.

•••

Regrettably, we have all, at some point in time, resorted to manipulation.

Consider the toddler, grocery shopping with his mother. He swipes a package of cookies from the rack, as his mother sighs and says No, returning the cookies to the shelf.

His weeping turns to wailing as he pitches a fit in aisle 12. The mother’s cheeks flush as other shoppers gawk. She promises her screeching son a treat if he stops crying, but to no avail.

His shrieks escalate, so his mother caves, plucking the forbidden snack from the shelf back into his greedy hands. Instantly, he quiets down, hiccupping sobs traded for bright smiles.

His manipulation has worked.

How about the sixteen-year-old who overtly compliments her mother on the spaghetti dinner before offering to clear the table, wash the dishes, and sweep the floor. The mother is taken aback, charmed, and grateful for such an unusual turn of events.

Once the last crumb has been swept, and the kitchen set to rights, the daughter requests an extended curfew, Pretty please? Like everyone else? The mother complies, still basking in the warmth of her offspring’s accolades and exquisite cleanup.

The daughter’s manipulation? A dazzling success.

Or the wife who strategizes, scheming for days. She chews her thumbnail while studying their tired, faded sofa.

She must strike at the perfect moment since the leather wraparound is on sale for three days, and her window of opportunity is closing. Never mind that money is tight, she must have new furniture, and pronto. So, she cinches her apron and spends the lion’s share of the afternoon whipping up her husband’s favorite lasagna, chopped salad, and toasted garlic bread, turning sugar-sweet when he walks in the door.

He is astounded by this bright welcome, caught off guard by this exquisite meal, the drippy candles, and the shoulder rub that follows as she shoos the children upstairs.

Is he dreaming? At the wrong address?

Grateful for the relaxed, romantic vibes, he sinks into his recliner.

And then she strikes: Honey, there is a sale…

•••

Manipulation, at its core, is lying. It is premeditated selfishness—excessive flattery or temperamental mood swings—toying with another person in order to reap personal gain. When we manipulate, we mirror Satan, the Father of Lies, who masquerades as an angel of light.

I have heard variations to the same old song, as the winding river of manipulation flows through countless families, rapids that prove difficult to navigate. Patterns repeat because families, friends, and even unhealthy churches acquiesce to the manipulator’s demands, choosing to keep a facade of peace, rather than speaking the truth in love.

•••

I was speaking with a woman whose mother-in-law, a professing Christian, has been manipulating the family for decades.

If her sons and their families do not phone or visit as often as she prefers, she sulks and withdraws, pouting and spoiling the next family gathering. Yet at work and church, she is a different creature altogether: kind and charming, reserving all untoward behavior for her family, holding them hostage to her demands.

It works.

In fact, the cycle has been in play for as long as anyone can remember. This mother-in-law’s sons are highly accustomed to her mood swings, sighing and waving it off, with: That’s just how Mother is.

Their lifelong play is to comply. Go along to get along. Meanwhile, the daughters-in-law are growing increasingly irritated by the disordered thinking and behavioral patterns.

Can you blame them? The entire situation is stressful.

The woman asking for my help cradled her head in her hands and sobbed.

Have you considered speaking the truth kindly and directly to her? I asked.

I don’t think that’s allowed, she said.

•••

Proverbs 26:4-5

⁴ Answer not a fool according to his folly,
    lest you be like him yourself.
⁵ Answer a fool according to his folly,
    lest he be wise in his own eyes.

Recently, I studied these two verses. While I had previously read them, I had regarded them like this:

If someone says something dumb, don’t say something dumb in return.

But this time I read and scoured a few trusted commentaries.

When someone speaks foolishly, I must not speak in a like manner, becoming like them. At times, this means remaining silent and not engaging in a fruitless argument. But other times (I believe in recurring, unbridled patterns of manipulative behavior) it means speaking truth, directly. According to verse five, it is important to correct foolishness, otherwise, the fool will mistake his or her foolishness for wisdom.

Case in point: the grown sons accommodating a demanding mother—year after year after year—are complicit in her foolish sin. Why? They are feeding the monster, supporting the lie that she is free to manipulate her family with her unreasonable demands. As they go along to get along, they actually undergird and elevate her foolish thinking, and she mistakenly considers herself wise. The sons dishonor their wives and children by keeping false peace with their mother’s manipulative behavior.

A respectful conversation, beginning with: I love you, Mom, and I apologize for not speaking up earlier, followed by wisdom, might bring her back to truth: namely, the world does not revolve around her, and her manipulation is sinful and dishonoring to God and to her family.

Have you paid attention to Jesus’ direct approach in dealing with manipulation?

Consider Mary and Martha. Martha was bent out of shape, distracted, and tired of serving while her sister was lingering at the feet of Jesus, following him as a disciple. Can you hear Martha’s huffiness? Whining, Lord don’t you care? and expecting a strong dose of sympathy. Expecting to get her way.

Did Jesus respond with: Oh, you poor thing! Everyone, gather around and help Martha with all of her chores. Mary, rise and help!

No, he did not say these things, because this would have been answering a fool according to her folly.

Instead, he shot straight to the heart of the matter and spoke the truth in love.

Essentially this: My dear Martha, you are distracted, worried, and consumed with self-centered things. Mary’s heart is focused on what is best; the good portion. Namely, Me.

Jesus loved Martha enough to correct her.

Jesus also spoke the truth to those who did not follow or belong to him. Chiefly Satan.

Remember this Manipulator Extraordinaire, waiting for Christ in the desert? Striking when Jesus was tired, hungry, and thirsty?

Jesus corrected Satan’s twisting of sacred Scripture. In this case, he answered Satan directly, not foolishly.

Be gone, Satan! For it is written,

“‘You shall worship the Lord your God
    and him only shall you serve.’”

•••

Are you manipulating others? Using flattery or sullenness to achieve your desires? Massaging a situation to get what you deeply crave? Repent, and live in truth.

Are you answering a fool according to his folly? Enabling another’s sin by bowing to their histrionics?

How much wiser to be like Jesus, speaking the truth, clearly, and in love.

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